He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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