My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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