Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Can you repeat that, but with context?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
