I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
