if you like me you must not know who I am
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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