Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
