Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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