the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
