I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize