overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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