I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize