This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
