guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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