tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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