Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
