I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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