You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
