I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's blow job season.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Drunk is not a location!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
