He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
