In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
