I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize