Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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