I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
