whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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