The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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