Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my shit smells like andre
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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