Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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