Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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