so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
