Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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