K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
