So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
