dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
