it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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