I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have fence marks all over my body
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
