I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
