I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
