Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
