I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
