I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
