i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
