have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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