Got a toothbrush?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
