why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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