I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
