just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
