i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
