Whod you bang
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
