My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
