Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
