operation harelip BJ is a go
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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