We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
