walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
