I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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