Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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