I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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