Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
